Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.... once again the words of Michael Stipe repeat on the white rectangle above me. There is a big business for sentiment in the world and one cannot help but get sucked in. Each longs to be part of some spinning montage that depicts a group growing up, learning, making mistakes, falling in love, and at the end contently riding into the warm glow of a setting sun with a sigh of accomplishment slipping out a slightly cracked grin. I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full blooms, I' looking for answers from the great beyond. All in all looking for adventure in the quirks we hold as our basis for living, friendship. Who can hold onto that forever, there is time where one is young and at one time can soar. I mean of course there is an apparent end to that, I think it's far closer to 30 than 25 but one has to look for that menaing to pursue boldly that which burns within. Inherent clarity seems to come in all shapes of lacking yet we pursue on.
I write these words to myself and a ouple others, more or less to just type something. I would spill my thoughts and feekings on all sorts of issues but I mean, I like what I have and am sure it would not be for the best. From my mouth people can be either blessed or hurt and I feel that the slips of encouragement only mask the wounds which in the past I have doled out with little thought.
My good friend sits in the other room right now as I type and he eats something to hold him down for the few hours of sleep he is getting tonight. Tomorrow night he and another friend of mine leave to see a slew of bands and a large mass of hippies in Tennesse at Bonnaroo. Amidst the dulcid tunes of the White Stripes, Mute Math, Tool, the Police, the String Cheese Incident, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, and Wilco they will mingle with good ol' hippies running around yelling, "T-Shirts and Morphine five dollars!" Yeah, and to be honest I heavily considered going intending to pray and intercede but most likely would end up just seeing shows and praying in tongues on and off. I mean, going into this trip I expected spend a ton of time reading, in contemplation, and kicking it at RiHOP. Yet that has not been the case at all. In weakness you learn to love. Some call it the wilderness, others complacency, honestly I want to live again. The one thing that has been moving and directing my heart is waining into a place hovering right over despair and clinging onto the goodness of God.
My heart has had it's ups and downs. I mean I type this to pretty much Charity and Kacie and I truly thank you both for your friendship. Yet broad scope back into play, I have never lived or been fuled by anything. Opinions wane. Will I live live to 83, will I live to welcome me... who knows but slowly I move to the goal. God opens things when it is his time yet my mind holds static as my heart dangles by a thread chasing what feels a carrot on a string that is always out of reach. So follow me, don't follow me. I've my spine, I've got my orange crush. I mean I have all the right friends and am in a place in which a vision should spur me but has not sunk in. Thats me in the corner, in the backround losing my religion. Its going beyond words yet morphing slowly into a symbiotic being trying to do nothing but uplift and love. Nowhere but up to pour my heart yet it is far to easy to question the answers that pop into your head....
To be blatant, IHOP and the prayer room do not hold my heart. I mean I am there and I love the teachings and the people but my attention is shot and I feel like a hypocrite who spouts off prayers more confident that they are heard but am lost and as a crappy student feel entirely out of the loop. I love my friends but I need discipleship. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the words and prayer sessions but I mean I run a race I have run by myself and to be honest I live in an environment where pretty much every one deals with their own issues and fight scrape to get some sort of solace. I mean don't get me wrong there are leaders but no one to look up to, no one with time that is. I give what I can.... I lack direction and all seems to be a blur. I wish I could play music. I wish I could overcome my distraction. I wish I could watch a romantic movie with hope. I wish I would just step into what I was made for if not know something more than words that have become cliche.... In the meantime I let my scattered thoughts dirft around before sleep and listen to REM. Its the end of the world as I know and I feel fine, should I I don't know. All I know is that sweetness will follow.
*Bonus - count the REM references
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2 comments:
*i lost count. but was increasingly impressed... and i sang a little.
a long time ago i actually knew all the words to the end of the world song. mostly because it just felt good to say "leonard bernstein" and have no idea why ever for.
in any event, stop listening to REM. thank me later. not that they're bad, just that they are often discouraging and well, quite frankly, they seem counterproductive to where your head and heart really ought to be going.
you are missed here. for the record.
i am praying God to keep you steady and strengthened, no less captivated by his beauty and goodness. the east coast is sinking sand, my friend. my prayers are definitely with you... for the love of all that's holy, guard yourself from the prevalent spirit of the age.
jo-nathan, man of God, you're going to be great. you will write and pray things that will bring judgment on nations and peoples, and your mouth will utter the high praises of God. i am happy to know you. be strong in the Lord and the power of his might. amen.
I agree to everything Kacie has said. The motion passes: You are going to make it my friend. Perserverence; character; hope and this kind of hope will not disappoint you. And you are going to get the breakthough. Right now, you can even begin to imagine what that will feel like, but I know it's coming. I can't wait to see your face again. PR team just hasn't been the same without you. I will see you soon and I am praying for you!
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